One Year On

There is a physical connection with family. It is magnetic, it is spiritual, it is timeless, it is organic.  And we all take this for granted. We don’t consciously even think about it but if you stop now to consider it, and bring your mind, body and soul into the absolute present moment and reach out to the universe, you will feel it.

I don’t. …

A year ago my only connection with my physical universe, my past, was severed when my dearest mother passed away. She was my foundation, she gave me a sense of belonging and she made me who I am….I am in this world because of her and every atom in my body is empty since her passing.

The first few months after her death I was numb. The numb became pain – it was incredibly painful…mourning is such a physical pain. My body still aches when I think of her not being here anymore. This pain has evolved, matured maybe, but I now feel intense loss. At times the loss is still uncontrollable and heightened – it peaks at the quiet times when my brain is not busy, when I am alone or when a memory is triggered through situations or people.

So…naturally I keep busy. I do everything possible to avoid being alone, but I have had to spent much of the last 5 months on my own which has been, at times torturous and often agonising. I have unconsciously withdrawn into a world where few things remind me of her, avoiding people, places and conversations.

Now I am in a very strange place….

IMAXMy mother was my remaining link with my past…that is gone.  I have not had the privilege of having children, which means I have no link to a future family tree – no DNA legacy, no one to carry my mother nor me into the next generation. My father chose to leave us 42 years ago, so his line of life has sadly ceased too.

And, as I am an only child, there are no nieces or nephews to take my family tree along another branch….I am alone…completely alone…the thought often overwhelms me. I feel like a bottle, bobbing around the Pacific Ocean with a piece of paper in it…and on the paper….is nothing – there is no message….just a bottle with no route, no direction and no intention.

Mom, you were my wisdom, my advice, my ‘voice of reason’, my support, my encouragement, my shoulder and you understood me like no other human being on this planet. Mostly I miss your love and laughter and I long to hold you again. This year has been so hard for me, and even though you gave me the tools to travel through this life without you, at times I still struggle to make sense of the world without you in it.

Thank you for who you were while here on earth and who you remain, deep in my soul.

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